peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize