Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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