i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
