this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
