My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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