theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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