my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
