Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
