why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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