your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
