I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
