I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize