so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
