I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
