you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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