He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
