I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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