My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize