And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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