I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
