from now on my penis is your penis
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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