Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
