True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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