the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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