i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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