I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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