It was confusing and full of hummus
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM VODKA MAN
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
