you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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