Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
