All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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