Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
