Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
