Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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