when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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