i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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