youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
