This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
