dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
