he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
