Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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