I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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