You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
