I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
