chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
