Did you just see the Batmobile???
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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