...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
