I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
