my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
