Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
