If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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