Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
