It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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