Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
