you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
