My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
