every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
