eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
