Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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