i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
