No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
