It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
