yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
