Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
